The huntsman fell in love with Snow White

.... When she was seven.

 

IF you're a bit tiffed that Hollywood's taken your favourite childhood fairy tales and turned them into effed up blockbusters, series or romcoms of late stop right there.

The original fairytales were already effed up as it is.

Snow White was a German fairy tale collected by the Brother's Grimm in 1812. The two brothers, Jacob and Wilhem were academics who travelled the country collecting tales from storytellers.

The Grim's original Snow White was seven when she was taken into the forest by the huntsman. Yes, why would a fully grown woman be jealous of a seven-year-old?

Second, Snow White's father, the King, didn't die. He just fades into the background after the first few paragraphs which, if you ask me, is an example of quite questionable child supervision.

The huntsman didn't fall in love with Snow White in the original, but he didn't kill her because she was "so beautiful". I hope that's just a general comment.

Then the guy kills a boar and takes its lungs and liver back to the Queen who eats it. Yum.

When the Queen has her wicked way with Snow White and tricks her into into the poisoned apple the seven dwarves have to prepare the girl for her funeral.

So naturally they "undid her laces" (what?! They saw her naked???!!), combed her hair and washed her with "water and wine".

Yummy apple.

As it would be a shame to bury something so beautiful, they had a glass coffin made and put it on top of a mountain with Snow White in it. After "some time" the dwarves were a bit suss that her body was still in tact.

Then a prince comes along and spots this gorgeous chick in a coffin and offers the dwarves some gold for it. They refuse but the prince says he'll "honor and respect her" as his most "cherished one".

The dwarves agree and as the prince's servants carry the coffin away, one slips causing the apple to dislodge from Snow White's throat and she wakes up.

Snow White and the prince instantly fall in love and organise their wedding. At their wedding the Queen is forced to dance to death in red hot iron shoes.

Wow.

And if you think that's strange. Well, did you know Sleeping Beauty was possibly deflowered unwillingly?

That's right, after the Princess pricks her finger, falls asleep and 100 years have past a Prince comes along and has her way with her. She falls pregnant, has twins and doesn't awaken until the babies suck on her finger. True love's kiss?

Our favourite wood-wandering character Little Red Riding Hood didn't get saved by the lumberjack at first and was actually swallowed whole by the Big Bad Wolf after he ate his grandmother.

The lumberjack opens up the wolf while he sleeps and frees Little R and her grandmother. He replaces the two with big stones and when the wolf awakens to flee, the stones kill him.

As for Cinderella, well she didn't have a fairy god mother but a white bird who talks to her while she visits her mother's grave.


When he evil step mother refuses to let her go to the ball, Cinderalla runs to the graveyard for help where the birdie magically gives her an awesome dress.

When the prince arrives at Cinderalla's house with the golden slipper she leaave behind at the third ball, two doves from heaven point out that the slipper doesn't belong to the wicked step sisters but Cinderella.

All is well, they get married and Cinderella even has her step sisters as bridemaids at her wedding.

But as they walk Cinderella down th aisle, the doves from heaven strike the step sisters in the eyes making them blind as punishment for their evil ways.

Darn vengeful heavenly birds!

I'm sure these little indiscretions were not in your childhood storybooks because each tale went through various stages of santization for children's eyes.

But the morals of each story still resounds, no?

Snow White: Bitches be jealous.

Red Riding Hood: Don't walk alone and never trust strangers, idiot.

Sleeping Beauty: Kids, this is what happens when you sleep in.

Cinderella: Shoes always save the day.

And they lived happily ever after. THE END.